you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
