haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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