I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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