So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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