She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
