Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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