You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
