Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
