I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
