Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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