he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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