the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
