It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
