You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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