I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
