Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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