life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
