loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
