Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
