Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
