Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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