Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
