ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
