that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
