I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
