she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I'm really busy with my period
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