you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
