So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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