2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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