I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
