hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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