My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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