i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
