i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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