I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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