My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
birth control should be required to get into college
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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