We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
