Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
