Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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