Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
