Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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