sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
