i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
