Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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