I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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