My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
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