She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
