I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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