So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
