He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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