I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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