the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
