there's paper in my vomit.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
