I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
