Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
