I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
